A life threatening illness makes you think about a few things.  In the last 48 hours, I have been through the whole gamut of emotions.

Unexpectedly, I suffered an anaphylactic shock the day before yesterday.  For those who don’t understand what that means, it feels like you are being strangled from the inside.  Your throat stops admitting oxygen to your lungs, which burn and struggle to bring air into themselves.  Your heart speeds up as it fights to have enough oxygen to put into the blood and send around your body and eventually, if you don’t get help, your brain shuts down through lack of oxygen, closely followed by the rest of your body organs.  It is not a nice way to go, I am told, and I am very gratfeul that there were people present to help bring me back.

I have suffered these issues before, though this one took everyone by surprise.  I wish I could tell you the romantic line that your life flashes before your eyes in those few seconds, but it didn’t.  The only thing in my mind was trying to breathe.  When the adrenalin was pumped into me and I did come round, my first thought was for my children.  I was worried that they had seen my attack and been scared, primarily.

When I came home from hospital yesterday, it was to see the news that another woman, almost the same age as me and with two young children also, had been senselessly killed.

My first thought was how close I had just come to death and leaving my little girls behind, and how she must have felt in her final moments, knowing she was leaving her babies alone in this world.  As a mum, I found that the most upsetting thought possible.

I don’t care that she was an MP, or of a different party than I support, she was a mum and wife.  No-one deserves to die in such a way.  The fear she must have experienced in those minutes that she was attacked must have been horrendous.  What drives a person to want to do that to another person?

Yes, we hear of it from America often, maybe we have come to expect that.  When does life become so undervalued that one person thinks that they have a right to take it from another person?

This world is a strange and cruel one.  Increasingly I wonder why we all do it to ourselves, why we do not find a way through our disagreements that does not involve violence.  I also wonder whether this is the world that I want to raise my children in.  Do I really want them to grow up to expect that every day could be your last, as you do not know who will decide to kill you on any specific day?  It is bad enough when you have to cope with a health condition that could kill you at any time, but to know that there are people out there who could take your precious life away from you at any time for no apparent reason?

And life is precious.  Anyone who has stood on the verge of losing their life will tell you that.  Every day should be valued and enjoyed.  Life is short enough, without wasting the time worrying.  I will find a way to work around my issues, but this poor lady and her children don’t have the chance to, because someone thought he had a right to kill her.

Maybe I am just rambling because of my new medication, but I am torn inside. I am happy to be alive and with my children, but so sad that there are two other children who have lost their mother in such a way.  Sometimes I really hate this world.

When do we get to move to Mars?   It can’t be any worse !


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